Lifestyle Choices of the Local Crime Blotter

Don’t worry about it

Maybe we should feel relieved that our local press will soft-pedal our crimes and sins should they ever get splashed across the headlines. Various outlets did it three times this week alone, which is kind of fun:

  1. A guy repeatedly sexually assaulted a minor, EVERY TIME HE WAS INTOXICATED. Wow. That beer sure did like to have sex with teens.
  2. Another guy burned down the house of his ex-wife (or ex-girlfriend) with people and children inside. He’s done it before, to a different ex-wife (or ex-girlfriend). He acknowledged doing it BUT IT WAS BECAUSE SHE CHEATED ON HIM (he says). Oh, okay then. Go on ahead with your gas can.
  3. The ex-wife of Altoona’s ex-superintenant — who is currently in jail for child pornography — now has cervical cancer, a result of HPV that she contracted FROM HER HUSBAND’S LIFESTYLE CHOICES. He went to jail for a ‘lifestyle choice’ that looked a lot like sex trafficking. How unfair!

Be Nice

We’re very “nice” here in the Midwest. I get it. We don’t want to judge people lest we be judged, and it’s too late for that anyway, but that’s the saying at least. At the same time — why do we need to let people off the hook in the same sentence where we’re describing what they did? Let’s do some exercises below:

  1. The 34-year-old man drove his truck into CVS.
  2. The 34-year-old man acknowledged driving his truck through the front door, adding that he had mild depression and his girlfriend broke up with him an hour ago, got back together with him for a talk, but then left for vacation so he wasn’t sure where he stood.

Oh wow, in that case.

  1. The 53-year-old woman punched a barista for getting her order wrong.
  2. 53-year-old Deborah Flunke, a widowed mother of four, had recently received a strep throat diagnosis right before opening a very large heating bill, when her past trauma of having once considered an eating disorder allowed her fist to move towards the face of the barista.

I feel like I know Deborah Flunke much better now. But — who cares?

  1. The family of four left Milwaukee Burger without paying.
  2. The family of four were very attractive, church-going people who were probably having such a tremendous time that they forgot they were in public, and simply got up, went home and went to bed. All the servers had a great laugh about it, except for Cheri, who is a bad person. Then the manager called the police and was taken into custody for being rude.

Sure, whatever

Maybe it’s fine. We have so much true crime content out there right now, maybe we could see it as refreshing that our local crime reports let the perps off the hook immediately. It’s classic Midwest crime reporting, and I hate it, but I’m also here for it.

I can’t wait to see what someone did today that wasn’t their fault.

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